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The Man Without A Heart

A bit of an experiment here: a sort of narrative poem with an alternate rhyme scheme and wavering four foot lines. As ever, comments are welcome.



...it's gone now...

Comments

Tony Williams said…
The combination of strict rhyme and loose metre in the first few stanzas is very interesting - e.g. 'to' at the end of L3 hardly bears a strong stress, and this mitigates the effect of the rhyme somewhat. Similar things happen with the feminine-ending 'yearnings' and the stress distribution of 'advantages'.

Later on the metre falls increasingly into place, and this effect is deadened - you risk doggerel because there's not enough going on technically or in terms of images. I like it better when the metre shows a bit more variation.

'Nervousless' = nerveless?

Tony
Ben Wilkinson said…
Hi Tony: many thanks for your thoughtful comments.

I agree that the poem is more interesting when the metre is varied - I think I'll have to spend some time tinkering with the second half of the piece.

Perhaps, as you say, the key might be in working in some arresting (or at least more interesting) imagery.

cheers

B

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