Something New

I'll leave this poem up for about 24 hours for comments, ideas and suggestions.

... it's gone now...


Alex, Lord of Biscuits said...

long rambling 1am fun, my brain is full of chocolate fingers. Expect coherence:

haha, the first poem I wrote one summer many years ago was called "Out" and was written during a powercut. The absolute darkness of the country night lit by a single candle and the otherworldly glow of the greenhouses on the horizon.

Anyway, my first thought would be it needs to be tighter, much tighter, there's not a lot there i don't think. I don't much like "moonlight spills over itself" though i don't really know why. And i have to be honest and say: "but in truth, moments like this bring us back to who we really are" made me cringe, it sounds very clich├ęd and i think you leave yourself too open there. I know what you mean but i think it's a bad way of wording it, we're so centred around technology that a powercut leaves a gaping absence but is cutting something away making us more what we "really are"? isn't it a method of expressing and feeding who we really are? anyway i'm waxing pointlessly philosophical, i just dislike the phrase even knowing it's the kinda thing i'd write lol

The segue into the life of cavemen seems so so familiar to me, maybe from an Armitage poem but my flick through his Selected yielded nothing.

Whilst you may dismiss all of this with a dramatic thump of the table and an emphatic "you know nothing!" i think maybe you should rethink the 6 stanza long sentence! Oh and i don't understand how the last 2 lines fit into what came before.

Phonetically and rhythmically it's really quite satisfying to read, but the style and subject matter.. i thought you held yourself aloof from such things Benjamin! :p

Ben Wilkinson said...

How dare you suggest I'd crib from an Armitage poem, Alex, anyone would think his influence on my work were considerable... but seriously, I really liked 'moonlight spills over itself', even if I do say so myself.

The 'moments like this bring us back to who we really are' is a bit Andrew Motion-y, admitedly. Perhaps a change is needed there, though nothing instantly springs to mind.

You don't like the six stanza long sentence! I thought I'd carried it along nicely with control of rhythm and rhyme, but perhaps it exhausts itself. Perhaps the problem lies in the scansion. I certainly think it's readable.

The final two lines are a suggestion of the abrupt return to normality, but also intentionally merge with the early discoveries of fire considered previously in the poem, and how ourselves today and our reactions to being thrown out of our comfort zones may reveal something of our ancestors' nature.

Style and subject matter 'above me'? Well forgive a boy for exploring the lyric every once in a while. We shall see if it's a keeper.

Cheers for the comments anyway, biscuit-boy. Chocolate fingers are an enviable prospect right now.

Emerging Writer said...

why d'you take it down after 24 hours?

Ben Wilkinson said...

Hi emerging writer. I usually take the poems down after a time so I can edit them, and if one of them is a keeper, I can still submit it to magazines.

This is due to the fact that most publications do not accept work that has, in its final form, been published elsewhere - including internet and self-publication.